So here we go again. It’s Monday morning; the most tedious and repetitive day of the week for me (and for many others, I'm sure). Week in, week out, I do the same thing. I wake up around 10 o'clock, feeling like a barrel of decaying turds; I look online at a few sexy dresses that I want to purchase; I get huffy because I can’t afford those said dresses; I forget about what I can’t have and dive into the shower; I put on a pot of the strongest coffee imaginable and I then sit down to work on my ghastly screenplay.
Yes, I have no job; I’m an unemployed bum who’s leaching off my hard-working parents. Well, I’m currently in the process of signing on, so from next week onwards, I’ll be leaching from the government. But fear not! I’m not one of those doll dossers that spends their days arguing with one another on Jeremy Kyle. I’m searching high and low for a job – any job; just to keep me out of the bleeding house.
Seeing as I have no job to get up and go to, I now dedicate my days to writing up my university summer project. I’ve just completed an MA course in screenwriting and must now write up a six part television sitcom in order to graduate next summer.
At first, it all seemed like such fun. I mean how cool would it be if I could pull it off? Not only would I be able to write my own television show, but I’d also be seen as funny! Oh it was just too good to be true. That is until I actually started writing it. Because the main problem with me is that I’m not funny; far from it as a matter of fact.
Honestly, being funny is the hardest thing to do in the world; particularly if you’re trying your hardest to be amusing. You know what it’s like, when some idiot you know is trying too hard to be funny. They fail miserably; coming across as nothing more than an annoying scrotum dangling maddeningly in front of your innocent face.
Well that’s what writing a sitcom is like. You become that irritating jerk who’s striving desperately to be hilarious. With each line of dialogue I find myself pretty much writing ‘hey look at me, I’m really comical and ironic’. The whole process feels almost dirty, like I’m masturbating in public whilst singing the complete back catalogue of Celine Dion (I like Celine Dion by the way. I have no idea where that example came from).
But nevertheless, I’ve managed to soldier on through this tiresomely soul destroying process and I now have both a pilot episode and episode two written up in the form of first drafts. But when I sent them to my tutor for proof reading, I get the most frustrating feedback imaginable.
Now don’t get me wrong, my tutor is a man of brilliance and that’s what makes his feedback even more wearisome; because I know that he’s 100% right!
Firstly, my episode one has great plot and characters (his words, not mine); however there’s simply not enough comedy throughout. Naturally a sitcom should have a laugh a minute. However there’s a laugh once every ten minutes in mine, which is quite rightly unacceptable.
The problem with my episode two, however, is the complete opposite. Apparently it’s very amusing (wehay, I can actually write comedy!) but apparently there’s simply not enough plot or character development.
So now I have the task of making episode one less plot heavy and more comedy driven, whilst episode to needs to be slightly less amusing but with a stronger narrative. Unfortunately, I have no idea how on earth to do this.
You see, the problem is, I don’t even know where the comedy comes from in my scripts. Even in episode two. I just write and write and simply hope that what I’m typing out resembles humour in at least some shape or form.
When I start actively trying to be funny, that’s when I become a total toss bag. That’s when I start writing in silly flatulence jokes and unnecessary f-bombs to give it that superficial comical punch. Suddenly my script becomes a document of profanity and toilet humour which makes me want to chisel my own eyes out with a blunt kitchen knife.
So there we have it. Writing a situation comedy sucks. My scripts are either too funny or too bland. Next time I might just write something depressing and solemn. I’m good at writing stuff like that.
Anyway, I best get on and continue with my writing (by writing I really mean listen to my complete itunes collection multiple times over whilst downing countless cups of instant coffee. Procrastination is bliss).
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