Bye Bye Confidence, Do Return Soon...

Recently, I’ve been more confident than usual. 

For god knows how many years I've been a right shambles of a character; suffering from chronic shyness, extreme self-hatred and incredible narcissism. Back at university, I was often known by friends as the hopelessly timid kid who usually had to consume at least two bottles of red wine before even having the audacity to approach a nightclub. 

During the past month, however, things have changed somewhat. I’ve begun to actually like myself. No longer am I ashamed of who I am and I’m now able to comfortably hold a conversation with a stranger without assuming that they loath the very thought of my existence.

It’s been a wonderful month of self-acceptance and confidence growing. Today, however, saw that self-assurance drain away from my body; all thanks to the bloody job centre.

At 2:50pm this afternoon, I finally signed on for job seekers allowance. I’ve been home from university since last May and I’ve been putting this day off for a very long time. I promised myself that I'd find a job long before my savings ran out; yet such a task has proven to be unobtainable for silly old me. In the end I had no choice but to ask my fellow British tax payers for a bit of financial assistance.

My meeting lasted about 30 minutes, yet in that time I was patronised and made to feel as though I was doing something awfully wrong and criminal. 

“So before you sign anything, you must set yourself a job seeking goal. What kind of work are you striving to gain?” asked my condescending supervisor.

“Well, I’ve obtained sufficient knowledge in script editing, vision mixing, floor managing and studio directing from both my BA and MA in university. So ultimately, I’d like to find work potentially in a television or radio studio” came my naive response.

She looked at me for what felt like an eternity before responding to my choice of words.

“I think we need something a bit more realistic than that. What actual work experience have you had in the past?”

“Erm, well, I’ve only ever really worked in retail and warehouse jobs before.”

“Then I suggest that you focus on finding work solely in those areas” was her ultimate conclusion.

After that, she spent the remaining segment of the interview telling me that I should be looking high and low for job entries in those two categories, and that I should not turn anything down – no matter how strenuous or unpleasant it may seem – as it could very well result in me having my job seekers allowance cut.

I stumbled out of that building feeling like a slug in a salt factory. I was the lowest of the low and my world felt as though it was completely over. On the walk home, I convinced myself that I was an absolute waste of space who’d just squandered four years of their life and £25,000 on two superfluous university degrees.

I’m sure this feeling will fade with time, but right now, my universe feels as though it has reached its conclusion. I only went to university so that I could escape the horrors of the work which I experienced in those factory and supermarket environments. Of course there’s nothing wrong with such job roles, however I’m just not built for them.  

For years, I was certain that as soon as I finished my degrees, I would never have to work in these surroundings again, however my first job seekers interview seems to suggest otherwise.

Oh well, I’m probably just over worrying. I’m sure something positive will crop up eventually, even if I do have to endure a few more years of retail and warehousing. At least it will still supply me with money (the only thing that I seem to care about these days. How disgraceful of me). I have all the time in the world to focus on building up my dream career, so I best just take what I can find in the meantime.

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In other news (if you can call it that) I’ve been staying at my friend’s house for over a week now. Bless his caring soul. He's realised that I’ve been feeling pretty trapped and isolated at home with my parents, so he thought that it might be a good idea for me to spend some time away from them.  As a result the lovely darling offered me his spare room for a week: completely free of charge!

Having friends who care about you is such an extraordinarily wonderful feeling, though I do fear that I’m out welcoming my stay. I’ve been using his hot water, his espresso machine and his food supplies for over a week now; whilst he slaves busily away at work. 

 

Despite being incredibly grateful for his hospitality and assurance that I'm forever welcome, I still feel horribly guilty about using his house as an asylum for my domestic troubles. I almost feel like a leech; sucking him dry of his resources and privacy.

Nevertheless, it’s great to be able to escape from the chaos of home life and spend some time with people who are concerned for my wellbeing. I’m eternally thankful for the marvellous individuals that surround me in life.  

Anyhow, I'm off to Camden tomorrow. I absolutely adore that place, so the excitement is helping to drown out the frustrations of today.